Sobriety Showed Me How Much I Was Punishing Myself

The Pattern I Couldn't See While Drinking

Something clicked for me recently: a lot of my drinking wasn't about pleasure at all. Actually, one of the Reddit comments on my post pushed me to this thought. Drinking for me (in many cases) was self-punishment I didn't even recognize as punishment.

I'd pick up a bottle knowing I'd feel terrible tomorrow. I'd drink until I couldn't think straight, until the guilt kicked in, until I had another reason to be angry at myself. It wasn't fun. It was deliberate suffering disguised as a habit.

When Loss Became a Reason to Suffer

After some losses in my life—I lost my parents kind of early, in 2020 and in 2022—I fell into this weird mental loop where I felt like I had to make myself feel worse. Like I didn't deserve anything better. Or even worse, like I should feel like shit.

Drinking became the easiest way to do that without admitting it. It was socially acceptable self-harm. Nobody questioned it. I didn't question it. It was just "how I coped."

"I stopped waking up angry at myself. I stopped trying to 'prove' my pain. Like, I should suffer, let's suffer more, I didn't suffer enough."

That's super weird when you say it out loud. But that's exactly what I was doing.

Sobriety Made the Pattern Impossible to Ignore

Sobriety didn't fix everything. I'm not suddenly healed or free from grief. But it made that pattern impossible to hide from. Without alcohol clouding everything, I could see what I was doing to myself.

I was using alcohol to:

• Validate my emotional pain by creating physical pain
• Punish myself for things I had no control over
• Prove to myself (and maybe others) that I was suffering "enough"
• Avoid actually processing my grief in a healthy way

When the alcohol was gone, I had to face the fact that I'd been my own worst enemy. Not my circumstances. Not my losses. Me. My choices.

The Shift That Changed Everything

Slowly, the urge to hurt myself just to match my emotions faded. I stopped waking up angry at myself. I stopped trying to "prove" my pain. It sounds dramatic, but it's true—removing alcohol removed my primary tool for self-punishment.

I still have hard days. I still miss my parents. I still feel grief. But I don't feel the need to make it worse anymore. I don't need to suffer to prove I'm suffering.

What I'd Tell Someone Who Relates to This

If you're reading this and something feels familiar—if you drink knowing it'll make you feel worse, if part of you thinks you deserve the hangover, the guilt, the shame—you might be doing the same thing I was.

You don't have to admit it to anyone else. But try admitting it to yourself. Ask yourself: Am I drinking to feel good, or am I drinking to feel worse?

Because if it's the second one, you deserve better than that. You really do.

Moving Forward Without the Weight

Sobriety gave me space to grieve without punishing myself for it. It gave me permission to feel sad without needing to compound it with physical misery. It showed me that I was allowed to heal, even if part of me thought I shouldn't.

That's not something I expected when I quit drinking. I thought sobriety would just be about "not drinking anymore." But it became about stopping a cycle of self-inflicted suffering I didn't even know I was trapped in.

And that's been more valuable than I could have imagined.