159 Days, Relapse, and Restarting: The Raw Truth About Recovery
159 days. That's how long I made it before I relapsed. And you know what? I'm not going to sugarcoat this or pretend it didn't happen. This is the raw, unfiltered truth about what went down and why I'm back here, starting over.
The Fall After the High
159 days felt incredible. I was on top of the world—sleeping better, thinking clearer, feeling proud as hell of what I'd accomplished. I thought I had this shit figured out. I thought I was "cured" or whatever bullshit story I was telling myself.
But here's the thing about addiction: it's patient. It waits. It whispers. And on day 159, after a particularly stressful week, that whisper got loud enough to drown out everything else I'd learned.
What Actually Happened
I won't go into all the gory details, but it started with "just one drink" to celebrate a work win. We all know how that story ends. One became three, three became a weekend, and before I knew it, I was right back where I started—waking up with that familiar shame and disappointment.
The worst part wasn't the hangover or even the drinking itself. It was looking at my app and seeing that 159-day streak reset to zero. All that progress, gone. Or so I thought.
The Brutal Truth About Relapse
Here's what nobody tells you about relapse: it doesn't erase what you learned. Those 159 days weren't wasted. They were 159 days of building new neural pathways, developing coping strategies, and proving to myself that I could do this.
Relapse isn't failure—it's data. It's information about what triggers still need work, what situations I need to avoid or handle differently, and what support systems I need to strengthen.
The Shame Spiral (And How I'm Breaking It)
The first few days after relapsing were brutal. The shame was overwhelming. I felt like I'd let everyone down—my family, my friends, myself. I wanted to hide, to give up, to say "fuck it, I'm clearly not cut out for this."
But then I remembered something a friend told me: "Recovery isn't about never falling down. It's about how quickly you get back up." So here I am, getting back up.
What I Learned From 159 Days
Those 159 days taught me that I'm capable of incredible things when I'm sober. I learned that:
- My anxiety is manageable without alcohol
- I can have fun at social events sober
- My sleep quality improves dramatically without booze
- I'm more creative and productive when I'm not drinking
- Real confidence comes from facing problems head-on, not numbing them
That knowledge doesn't disappear because I had a setback. It's still there, waiting for me to tap back into it.
Starting Over (But Not Really)
I'm not starting from scratch. I'm starting from experience. I know what works for me now—morning routines, exercise, staying connected with sober friends, having an exit strategy for triggering situations.
I also know what doesn't work—getting overconfident, isolating myself when stressed, and thinking I can moderate after months of sobriety. These are valuable lessons that cost me 159 days to learn, but they're lessons nonetheless.
To Anyone Else Who's Struggling
If you're reading this and you've relapsed too, listen up: You're not broken. You're not weak. You're not a failure. You're human, and humans make mistakes. The only real failure is giving up entirely.
Maybe you made it 10 days, maybe 50, maybe 200. Whatever number you had before doesn't define your worth or your ability to get sober again. What matters is that you're here, reading this, which means part of you still wants to try.
That's enough. That desire, that tiny spark of hope—that's all you need to start again.
The Path Forward
I'm not going to make grand promises about how this time will be different. I'm just going to focus on today. Today, I'm not drinking. Tomorrow, I'll make that choice again. And the day after that, and the day after that.
I'm also going to be more honest about my struggles. I think part of what led to my relapse was trying to appear like I had everything figured out. The truth is, recovery is messy, non-linear, and fucking hard. And that's okay.
Day 1 (Again)
So here I am, back at day 1. But this isn't the same day 1 I started with 159 days ago. This is day 1 with wisdom, experience, and a deeper understanding of what I'm up against.
This is day 1 with humility instead of naivety. Day 1 with a support system I've built and tested. Day 1 with proof that I can do this, even if I stumbled along the way.
If you're starting your day 1 too, or if you're somewhere in the middle of your journey, remember this: every day sober is a victory, regardless of what came before. We're not competing with our past selves—we're building our future selves, one day at a time.
Recovery isn't about perfection. It's about persistence. It's about getting back up every time you fall down, dusting yourself off, and taking the next step forward.
Day 1 again, but not the same day 1. Armed with 159 days of experience, hard-earned wisdom, and the knowledge that relapse doesn't erase progress—it just redirects the path. Here's to getting back up and moving forward.
